An Easy, Comical One

[Meulaboh, November 2010]

When your dreams slip through your hands and fly away, let go of disappointment
When loneliness kisses you, let go of self-pity and gloomy face
When your heart is hurt by a trusted friend, let go of bitterness
When the one who promised to always be there walked away, let him go and wish him the best
I’ll stand strong, I’ll move on
I’ll walk on the road though it seems so quiet and tough
‘cause I’ve been through this and I will be okay
Nananana…I will be okay…I will be okay…

Life can break me, love can fool me, Lindt* can allure me
It’s psychotic, super outrageous, mind-boggling
cracked my head and flirted with insomnia
choked my tiny throat that only cointreau** could remedy

Yet I see hope hopping flopping and soaring
an angel whispered a heavenly song
about a little girl*** who is always remembered and loved by Him
no perfection is required, only a shattered heart

The weather is crispy, rainbow gracefully dances in the blue sky
When sunshine embraces, I will sip good coffee and know I will be alright
Nananana…I will be alright…I will be alright…


* a brand of Swiss chocolate
** a brand of liqueur
*** can change that with your name


“…everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” (Victor Frankl)

Sebuah Nama

Adakah cinta yang sebenarnya?
Dan jika berbeda, bolehkah merekah?
Ataukah keindahannya sebuah fatamorgana?

Dalam tahun-tahun yang berganti
kan selalu kau temukan dia disini
bersama deburan ombak dan langit senja
yang berbisik lembut di setiap pertemuan dulu
Dan semua cerita yang pernah mengalir
pada malam-malam saat ia masih terjaga
biarlah kerinduan yang sungguh menengahi jarak
dan mengecup batas perbedaan yang enggan pergi

Kepakkanlah lagi sayap-sayapmu yang pernah patah
tak usah hiraukan luka dia yang tertinggal
karna perjalananmu tak bertepi
dan kesedihan hanya kan mencabik harapanmu menjadi serpihan

Adalah sebuah nama yang melekat
sebuah rupa yang ukir bahagia
hanya waktu yang mampu menghapusnya


Meulaboh, May 2010

[untitled]

I heard our song
reminded me of the journey we had taken together
of the gravels on which your feet stumbled
you cried while I led you downhill
shoo...shoo...my baby...
I'm here with you
Have I not always been present for you?

I saw your passionate smile on the other day
the hours you spent putting colors on your face
oh your beauty so radiant
broken words sincerely composed
to portray your yearnings of Me
the way you call My name
how flattered to see such innocence

I know you feel lonely sometimes
by the river you lamented over your inadequacy
self-defense is your masquarade
oh I am too familiar with your finiteness
the night terrors invite your fears in
and deadly shatter your pillar of confidence
so vulnerable your heart to distractions
so detached you are from holyness

I send you tender kisses through the morning dews
into your soul I breathe in part of My entity
through the wind I whisper My everlasting promises
I paint all your dreams on the starry sky
so you have every reason to gaze the beauty of My love
and the width of My forgiveness
I fought the darkness to reach out for you
I gave My life so you may live. and be free

How can I not love you this much?

(Bandung, March 2009)

Kita

Kita dulu punya kisah
tentang senja yang menghampiri langit
kala angin memeluk hangat wajah kita
di atas lembutnya hamparan pasir
langkah-langkah kita menari indah

Kita dulu punya sajak
tentang bintang-bintang yang mengecup malam
untaian kata merangkai hari-hari kita
yang sungkan disinggahi sepi
kita pun melebur dalam musim-musim
yang luruhkan batas-batas perbedaan

Senjaku tak lagi sama
dalam sendiriku kutelusuri suara ombakmu
yang kian memudar
aku rindu kita yang dulu ada
ingin kujemput waktu yang runtuhkan keterasingan kita
dan goreskan cinta yang tumbuh dalam kebersamaan

Tentang pagi yang suarakan riak-riak kenangan
masih adakah ruang untuk kita?

(Bandung, February 2009)


**dedicated to meulaboh and beloved ones there**

Time

Thought I had lost you
Knew I had lost you
Wandered around with empty hope in hands
Tried to keep up with your pace
Searched for your name through seasons
Thought would find you through pictures of the past

But time has lost its dimension
And buried you in the depth of unknown
It’s the same song with different rythms
The same poem with different words
The same face with different lines

Then you became a shadow
Not sure where you left
With time I knew I had lost you

Wish yesterday would be everyday
There weren’t words but I was never afraid of silence
There were hurts but smiles could overcome
Yet time too tired to return
You are now a reflection
Trapped in the labyrinth of mind

We are strangers caught in distance
Befriended by time
Adored by time
Confused by time
Betrayed by time
Such a fool I am
It’s time whom I despise

Morning Story

Suara adzan bergema indah dan membawa kembali kesadaranku. Aku tetap berbaring dan memperhatikan sekitarku. Lampu di kamarku masih menyala. Akh, ternyata aku tertidur sementara mengerjakan laporan semalam. Langit masih gelap dan terdengar dari kejauhan suara hanya satu dua sepeda motor yang lewat. Terlalu pagi untuk bangun! Kucoba untuk tidur lagi namun kedua mata ini tidak mau diajak bersahabat. Kutarik selimutku dan mencari keseimbangan untuk berdiri tegak. Menuruni anak tangga, kuarahkan langkah-langkah kecil menuju dapur dan membuat secangkir kopi. Satu teguk. Aromanya yang kuat menyegarkan kepalaku yang sarat dengan banyak hal. Begitu hangat. Begitu kental.

Sudah pukul 6:30. Tak terasa waktu berjalan cepat. Sepertinya aku ketiduran lagi tadi. Langit masih agak gelap namun terlihat sedikit goresan sinar matahari. Indah sekali pemandangannya. Dari patio terlihat hamparan hijau dan biru yang membentuk suatu harmoni. Kadang saat gelombang pasang aku bisa mendengar sayup-sayup suara ombak dari sini. Dari dalam rumah terdengar suara teman-teman. Sudah bangun mereka rupanya. Bapak yang tinggal di seberang rumah mengangguk dan menyebarkan senyuman ramah sambil melanjutkan jalan-jalan paginya. Mungkin tertawa geli dalam hati karena baru kali ini melihatku bangun ‘sepagi’ ini.
Angin berhembus lembut dan memainkan helaian rambutku. Aku teringat lagi padanya.

Beberapa tahun telah bergulir namun dia tidak pernah tergantikan. Seakan semua kenangan bersamanya baru terjadi kemarin dan tidak ingin dihapus. Seakan dia selalu hidup dalam ingatan (seperti gejala PTSD saja J). Walau setelah mengingatnya kadang aku merasa sedih namun aku bahagia pernah memilikinya sebagai bagian hidupku. Dia begitu berarti bagiku. Sungguh berarti.
Tahun-tahun telah mengajariku untuk mengenyahkannya dari keseharianku namun selalu ada ruang rindu untuknya. Selalu ada ruang di hati untuknya. Ada ruang di ingatanku untuk setiap kenangan yang pernah tercipta. Akh, kadang aku merasa bodoh. Bodoh mungkin, tapi paling tidak tetap jujur pada diriku.

Aku akan tetap berdiri, tetap menjadi gadis kecilnya yang kuat. Sampai saat itu datang…

She

She stood at that intersection each morning. A 6-foot good looking lady at her 20-ish. Dusts and noise were her daily friends but she stood firm regardless. She looked outstanding in the middle of crazy morning traffic. A young becak driver sitting on a small coffee shop teased her and called her a name. Neglecting the misdemeanor, she did not say any words and just walked away. Looking at her from distant, I wondered about her private life. Perhaps she lives with her parents just like in typical Indonesian family. Or maybe she has a husband and 2 fine daughters who have strong nature like hers. Or could be she lives by herself, thus learns to be independent and protective. There is something unusual in her which is worthy of close attention. She did not see me nor even was she aware that I looked at her. Sometimes I feel guilty of sneaking in one’s life. What if she finds out? But beauty does not pass by that often, my inner voice justified.
This morning she looked very happy. She walked joyfully with a smile on her face. As if all flowers in the garden were blooming and dancing for her. As if the whole universe was on her side. As if poverty would not dare to wear down her spirit. I wonder if she just received news about her brother’s wedding. Or perhaps she was just proposed by a prominent man in town. She smiled again and started paddling her old bicycle. Quite hesitantly, she stopped in front of the mosque, stood still in awe of the scene and pronounced a short prayer. Never had I seen her displaying such lively expression. And without trying to be dishonest, I felt happy too for her.

The lady passed me by few times in a day. Slow pace yet with graceful and confident steps, carrying a heavy torn bag stuffed with different types of cakes, she walked in the market and patiently entered shop-by-shop. Once a while she needed to stop and wipe off sweat on her forehead. Sometimes her face looked pale but every one who saw her would be convinced that indeed beauty and strength dwelled in her. Never was she seen with a man or a friend escorting her, as if nothing in the world would make her afraid. She is really a piece of arts. Too precious to be preserved yet too fragile that it may brittle.

Tonight as stars shining bright above, I agonized over her departure. Upon the bench she laid down her weary body and closed her eyes in peace. There was no solemn funeral or respected people attending the ceremony. Only earth, wind and sky witnessed her breath slowly disappeared and returned to the hands of the Almighty. And a little boy whose eyes resemble hers sitting on the ground and singing a sad song.

The lady who used to stand in that intersection is not there any longer. Nor the little boy is around. She might be unknown and unpopular, yet without realizing it, she is truly a heroine whose life becomes portrait of real beauty, perseverance and genuineness. Thanks to you…

**Dedicated to all women whose love and strength have inspired me**

Stay

The wind breathes me to meet yesterday
From the porch the light creeps in
Seems gloomy but projects different colors
creates reflection of self-hatred
and wounds the beauty portrayed in simplicity

The shadow fades away
and I expect to meet tomorrow
The past has found forgiveness
Regret has made peace
For no single contemplation is forsaken

Yet the present day seems so alluring
and again my feet are trampled on this hesitation
We have built our safe haven
And I can’t just let perspectives ruin it all

I missed you yesterday
I miss you today
I know I’m going to miss you again tomorrow
Distance can never hurt the desire for a connection
It’s just that
We’re walking on a timeline called nowhere

Looking up the sky
Wondering if you’re looking at the same stars
I loved you yesterday
I love you today
I want to still love you tomorrow
Can you stay?

Dan kita...

Bersandar pada titian lara
Terhempas aku dalam kelam yang tak bertepi
Jenuh menanti hingga senja menutup hari
Lelah mengejar langkahMu yang melebur dalam sepi
Hanya tanya yang bercermin dalam hampa
Menggenggam kata terpuruk tanpa jawab

Dan aku…
Tergeletak dengan asa yang melepuh
Berharap bayangMu kan temukanku lagi di jalan ini
Mencari suaraMu dalam senandung yang merintih
Mengukir raut wajahMu yang kian sirna dalam ingatan
Merindu hadirMu yang bersemayam dalam hangat

Dan Kau…
Menggapai jarak yang menguburku dalam keraguan
Mengecup cinta yang luruh karena luka
Menjemput kisah kita yang pernah kutinggalkan
Seolah masih Kau simpan aku yang lama
Dalam dekapan janji yang bersemi senantiasa
Menjenguk percikan kenangan yang Kau lukis dengan waktu

Dan kita…
Sebuah kisah yang abadi selalu

Staccato

Hujan di bulan Juli
Menangiskah Tuhan malam ini?
Lama peluk hangatNya tak singgah di hati
atau telah keringkah sukma kita
hingga perlu Ia sirami dengan tetesan-tetesan cintaNya
agar kita bisa tumbuh menjadi kuncup-kuncup
yang warnai dunia dengan kehidupan?

Langit kelam tak berujung
sepi dan mati
Bersembunyikah Tuhan dari doa
atau telah letihkah Ia menyediakan maaf?
Setiap langkah serasa berat dan tak bermakna
Tuhan membisu bagai malam telanjang tanpa bintang

Aku lupa rasanya dicintai
Jiwaku membusuk
Dendam mendarah daging dan
meluluhlantakkan kebebasan untuk berhasrat
Aku tergeletak. Terpasung oleh rasa benci yang
kian menggerogoti sumsum tulangku
Aku lupa rasanya berharap
Kesetiaan hanya kata-kata sampah
yang memikat pengembara kesepian
karena hari esok kan sama saja
berputar. bergulir. menyisipkan pesona sementara
Kita pun terperangkap dalam bualan masa depan yang hampa

Hujan di bulan Juli
Mengapa hadir begitu awal?
Kesejukanmu begitu menawan dan membunuh
Aku hanya ingin pulang
(Meulaboh, July 08)